We’ve talked about how a lot of the cheap tricks we see on Instagram to help our kids with eating are, well, cheap tricks. They do virtually nothing to support our kids' drive for autonomy, connection and wanting to do their best with eating. They’re based on suspicion and manipulation instead of trust, and they don’t prioritize felt-safety in the feeding relationship. Mostly, they suck, and as a nutritionist, they make me mad.
But as a parent: I WANT CHEAP TRICKS. I NEED CHEAP TRICKS. And I figure you might too.
So how can we reconcile these two things? How can we use practical strategies that can support our kids, without having to low-key get a Psychology of Feeding degree? The labour of parenting is already so high - sometimes we just need cheap tricks.
So I’m going to share three things I find helpful - but I am going to give a big caveat that they won’t work for all kids. AND. They especially won’t work if you aren’t coming from a baseline of trusting your kid (including that their body knows exactly what size it’s meant to be), and feeding responsively.
Why I like these things is because they are well-aligned with responsive feeding.
They support autonomy by giving the kid choices, options, and a voice (including the right to say no).
They support connection by taking the pressure off micromanaging their eating, to allow more space to talk about their special interests (we are still on Fire Trucks over here and they are also slowly becoming my special interest too), more time to talk about weekend plans or what happened at school that day.
And they support competence by buoying safety at the table - if a child feels anxious they are not going to feel like they can do well with eating.
Before we get to these cheap tricks - I also need to come clean - they’re not actually cheap tricks at all, because, despite what Instagram wants us to believe, we can’t ‘hack’ our way to our kids having a positive relationship with food. Soz.
So, the three things I’m going to share are strategies that can support responsive feeding. And, they’re kind of annoying. And I hate that they work. And they take a bit more planning and effort. But they can really make a difference to how your kiddo (and therefore you) feels at the table. They can also help anxious kids feel calmer and safer at the table. They can support ‘picky’ toddlers to get what they need at meals so they don’t ask for snacks ten minutes after dinner (although this still happens - even to me!). They can help you meet different sensory needs and food preferences without martyring yourself.
Remember that with all these ‘strategies’ - the point isn’t to *get* them to eat. If that’s our agenda then the chances are it will backfire. The point is to take the pressure off of us and them and to (hopefully) make mealtimes feel like less of a battle.
AND, you don’t *have* to do any of them. If things are going well for you (or even if they’re not), and you don’t need more parenting advice, feel free to just totally check out.
Family Style Meals
This is also sometimes called ‘buffet style’ meals. The basic premise is, that instead of putting all the food on a kid’s plate for them, that you pile everything on the table and let them serve themselves. Generally this will mean a ‘main’ - pizza, pasta, stew, curry, stir-fry. Plus whatever side dishes you’re offering. These are typically foods that you know are a sure bet with your kid - their preferred foods. It could be a side like rice, potatoes, or bread. Equally it could be chopped veggie sticks, or a fruit you know they love (see here if fruit and veg is hard rn). Yoghurt is usually a safe bet for us (and no, it’s not some plain greek BS), but some cheese like Babybel or cheddar cubes would also work. And this would include the dessert too - whatever that looks like in your family (A had his first jam tart yesterday - wasn’t a fan).
This means that they get to decide what and how goes on their plate.
Some pointers:
We started doing this around 20 months because A turned into a complete dirtbag at the table, and this made a big difference. Up until this point I had been putting small amounts of what we were having on his tray. Obviously he couldn’t really ‘serve himself’ at this point, so I put things in tiny bowls for him to reach out and grab (I had little ramekins but you might want to invest in something less, smashable?). Then I would offer him some of whatever ‘main’ we were having. At that point (and even now) I might have to separate out the noodles from the veggies from the ‘tofu chicken’ - what A calls those fake meat strips - if we’re having a stir fry, for example. And even though he’s more comfortable with mixed foods (on a good day), I still offer his ‘sides’ in small bowls for him to pick and choose.
If kids are non-speaking, or don’t have the motor skills to serve themselves, you could let them point or nod at what they’d like.
To save on washing 300 tiny bowls: with older kids you can bring pots and pans to the table - obviously keeping them at a safe distance for burn risks and help them scoop what they want. Or you can transfer them into storage containers that would be going into the fridge anyway (assuming you have some leftovers), or you can just open packets straight on the table.
You can make this super fucking easy if you’re short of time/spoons/good will for your kid. This doesn’t have to look cute, it just needs to work for your family. Try putting containers and packets and tubs straight from the fridge or cupboard on the table. Make your meal out of ‘snacky bits’. Open a bag of breadsticks, crackers, tortilla chips. Get a dip or spread - hummus, sour cream and chive, guacamole, a pot of coleslaw. And if that doesn’t work, cut up some cheese or some deli meat. Chop up a few veggies or fruit. Throw some cookies in there. Done. Equally it could be freezer tapas - nugs, oven chips and some frozen sweetcorn. Boom.
Kids who have been through a lot of restriction, or who don’t trust that you won’t micromanage what they’re eating, might take bigger helpings than they usually would (and chances are they will eat dessert first and then only eat mashed potato after that). This effect usually wears off after a kid feels confident that they won’t experience any more restriction and when they have rebuilt trust in the feeding relationship. The chances are that over time they will feel more relaxed and comfortable enough to try different foods. How long this takes is hard to say (and is usually a function of how long parents/carers were restricting and dieting). Sometimes you might need to provide bigger servings of these foods to help with that reassurance.
On the flip side - if they’re really is only a limited supply of something - maybe a 4 pack of cupcakes, one for everyone in the family - or only enough nuggets for each kid to have 5 each - this is a legitimate reason to ‘ration’ things. Otherwise, they get to decide how much they eat.
ONE MAJOR CAVEAT TO THIS: some kids might feel anxious or stressed out or unable to make decisions about what to put on their plate. Especially if they’re tired or very hungry. In this instance - the responsive thing to do would be to put a few things on their plate - preferably easy things, and probably small portions to begin with so as not to overwhelm them.
Deconstructed Meals