Dear Laura... My 6yo is a super fussy eater, what should I do?
How do you know if it's more than just garden variety picky eating?
Hey team - welcome to ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to submit a question for me to answer next month - then you can leave it as a comment below or submit it here.
I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, developing a more peaceful relationship to food and weight-inclusive health, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.
Here’s this month’s question:
Hi Laura. My soon-to-be 6 year old daughter is so fussy. Carrots are about the only vegetable she eats (raw) and she is becoming more and more ‘fussy’ in her taste i.e. used to like pasta with most sauces, now only wants pasta with butter. She has a very sweet tooth and that also worries me. I don’t want to restrict food and I want to be relaxed but I just don’t think she can be getting enough nutrients if (for example) she doesn’t eat her lunch but then wants an ice cream after. Of course as a one-off I don’t care if she eats sweet stuff for lunch but I can’t let her do it all the time. It’s stressing me out but I don’t want to put pressure on her and make things even worse in the long term… would love your advice. Thank you!
When a kid has a fairly limited diet, and then starts dropping previously preferred foods, it can be super stressful for parents. Feeding our kids, after all, is one of those really fundamental jobs required of parents to keep our kids, well, alive. When feeding and eating aren't going well, it touches on something so primal in us: survival. It makes a ton of sense to me if parents feel worried or panicked about their kids eating. And combined with the pressure to parent perfectly, and for our kids to eat in a certain way, it can also tap into ideals about ‘good’ parenting.
To be totally honest, it is very hard for me to answer this question without first having asked a whole bunch of other questions and really got a deep understanding of what mealtimes look like in your family, your child’s medical history, some details about pregnancy, birth, and early feeding experiences, a better look at what they are eating (as well as what they’re not), their development, sensory preferences, and lots more. My assessment usually runs 80 mins of in-person time, plus a dietary analysis, and reviewing a recording of a meal.
This is, I think, why I get so irate at the generic advice we see on Instagram - so often, there is no consideration of the child, and more interest in what’s going to get likes and shares. Without knowing your child, you, and your family a little better, what I’m going to say is inevitably limited and I’m going to ask more questions than I answer. But I hope I can give you some things to consider and at the very least, help you figure out if you need some more help and support.
First of all, I think we need to assess if there are any signs that this is more than just ‘fussy’ eating. There are lots of ‘red flags’ we can look out for, it’s important to keep in mind though, that a red flag in and of itself is just some data; a clue. It doesn’t mean we have to *do* anything about it. It’s a piece of the puzzle. The biggest thing I look out for is:
Parental concern: if you feel worried about something, if something feels ‘off’ or not quite right, then that is a good enough reason to reach out for support. Even if you are just getting some reassurance, it is never, ever a waste of time. It’s better to know that there isn’t a problem than to wait it out and discover that actually, it was really something.
Some other things to watch out for are if your child:
Will only eat specific brands of preferred food. (i.e. they will only eat Walkers’ ready salted crisps, but won’t touch the supermarket own brand.
Will stop eating a food if there are changes to the packaging (e.g. at Christmas)).
Will only eat very few foods (e.g. 5-10, although it’s hard to put a number to this and if they are dropping safe foods that’s also a concern)
Can tell different brands apart by sight, smell, or taste (e.g. Heinz baked beans vs. supermarket own).
Only eats one flavour of a preferred food (i.e. the vanilla flavour of a yoghurt but not the raspberry or strawberry one).
Eat certain foods specific to context - (i.e. will eat spaghetti hoops at school but nowhere else)
Shows extreme anxiety if offered new foods or foods they don’t like (may vomit/wretch on sight of new food)
May gag or vomit if offered disliked foods
Sensory sensitive to texture, colour, smell, touch and taste
Received an Autism diagnosis, but not necessarily so
Eats limited textures (such as only eating smooth purees and dry/crunchy foods like biscuits)
Disruptive and stressful mealtimes
Needs distractions to eat (iPad, toys, songs etc…)
Very long meal times >30 minutes
Didn’t mouth objects as infant
Had a hard time transitioning to solids
Their weight/height doesn’t meet their genetic potential (i.e. biological parents were very tall but child is relatively small)
Had a traumatic event such as choking/vomiting after eating, some surgeries (particularly around the mouth/face), intubation, reflux as an infant
Significant weight loss (not otherwise explained by illness)
Very low or no appetite
This is a lot. And I suspect that there are a few alarm bells going off. But remember that just because your child has a *sign*, doesn’t necessarily mean we need to intervene.